New Website Is Live!

Y’all are invited to the grand opening of the Galen Pearl website at galenpearl.com. Please come check it out. Yes, I resisted at first, but now I’m so excited to share this big step with you. 

My excitement is due in large part to the creative genius of Bryn Kristi, web designer extraordinaire. With only the vaguest guidance from a reluctant client, she was able to craft a website that surprised and delighted me, reflecting the welcoming beauty I knew I wanted but didn’t know how to ask for, and certainly did not know how to create. And that is just the appearance. She did all sorts of tech stuff that I don’t even know about and could never understand. Like magic...only real.

As I mentioned in the last post, the No Way Café blog is moving to the website. This will be the last post on Blogger. 

If you are currently an email subscriber, then you should continue to receive new blog posts from the website via email without interruption, although it will look a bit different. However, in the unlikely event that there is a problem, then please accept my apology and go to the website to subscribe again. 

If you typically come directly to this site to read the blog, you will need to go to the website from here on out. If you decide you would like to get future posts via email, please sign up on the new website. 

If you link to the blog via Facebook, that will not change. After this post, Facebook will link to the blog on the website.

The new website will also have links for social media so let’s get connected! Another thanks goes to Beth Wilson for bringing me into the world of things I never used before like Instagram (galen.pearl) and Twitter (@galen_pearl), and for expanding the use of the Facebook page. 

There may be a few bumps as I figure out a lot of new things, so please bear with me. I do hope that you enjoy the website and I look forward to engaging with you there. If there are any problems, please let me know. There is a contact page on the website where you can email me.

I also mentioned before that I’m working on a new book. Hopefully I will be able to share some news about that in the coming weeks.

This verse has always made me smile. Yep, I get it. This is how I feel.

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth. Do you not perceive it? ~Isaiah 43:18-19

Coming Attractions

I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago that changes are coming to my cyberworld. When I wrote that post, I admitted that I had resisted these changes, but was coming to accept and even to embrace them. Since then I have moved ahead with the help of some wonderful people who have held my hand and guided me into the realm of technology beyond my very small comfort zone. 

One of the primary motivations to move ahead is Blogger's plan to discontinue the email subscription service through Feedburner. For those of you who receive the blog posts via email (thank you), this means that I am moving the email subscription list to a different company. The intention is for this to be a seamless transition so that y’all will not even notice.

If you have ever done any home remodeling, you know that once you start updating the kitchen, the bathroom is not far behind. And then you might as well redecorate the bedrooms and add a family room in the basement, and on it goes.

Similarly, once I started down the path of transferring the email subscription list, one thing led to another. So now a Galen Pearl website is in the works, and the blog will move to the website. This means that for those of you who come directly to this blog to see new posts (rather than via email), you will be welcomed to the new website to see the posts there. And for those of you using Facebook, the post links will take you to the new site and there will be other social media options as well. 

What began as an unwelcome intrusion into my familiar blog routine has become something that I am now excited about and eagerly moving towards. Amazing what happens when we release our struggle against what is, and move in harmony and alignment with the natural flow of energy in the world. And, as I’m also learning, in the cyberworld.

I will share more specific information soon when the new website is ready to go. In the meantime, please forgive the interruption in my usual rhythm of more typical blog posts. 

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance. ~Alan Watts

Being Poetry

 

Do you write poetry

I asked

I am poetry

she replied

The Practice of Receiving

We practice releasing. We practice allowing. We practice accepting. We sometimes overlook the practice of receiving. How is it different from these others and why is it important? 

Is it different? In some ways all these practices are related. In one way they are all the same. But each does have a slightly different flavor. Releasing is letting go of something we hold onto. Allowing is letting energy move naturally without interfering. Accepting is seeing things as they are, without judgment. Receiving is taking what is offered with gratitude. 

In the No Way Café contemplation group, for example, we practice receiving what others say –  listening with our whole selves, without commenting or questioning, honoring what is offered as a gift. 

Receiving can sometimes be a challenge. It is hard for some of us to receive a compliment, deflecting kind words rather than soaking in a positive reflection of ourselves. We sometimes resist offers of assistance, even when we are much in need of support. Many of us get defensive when confronted with what we perceive as criticism, instead of considering whether the observation might highlight something we could do better or differently. (Here, criticism means observations offered from love, not mean-spirited or abusive.) 

We often are too busy and distracted to receive the gift of the present moment. In this moment, I am alive. I can hear birds singing. A pleasant breeze whispers through an open window. 

Why is receiving important? To me, it opens my heart and fills my spirit with gratitude. Each moment is a gift from the universe, an opportunity to be aware, to connect, to experience. It is the natural partner of giving. It replenishes me and immerses me in the cycle of universal exchange, recognizing that giving and receiving are oneness in movement. 

Our bodies teach us this. My heart can only pump out the blood that is received as it circulates throughout my body. Our breath keeps us alive by receiving oxygen from the plant world and releasing carbon dioxide needed by the plants. 

So maybe we can practice receiving today. Enjoy a compliment. Feel the warmth of the sun. Listen to someone. Take a breath with awareness. Let someone do something nice for you. 

A simple way to practice receiving is to use just two little words. Thank you. 

Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.  ~Brene Brown

Oh Right, I Knew That

The universe has been giving me plenty of writing material in the joke’s-on-me category. This time it’s about developing a website and working on a new book project. 

For years I have quietly cruised along on my little blog, happy to use Blogger, grateful for all those who have subscribed by email. Then recently Blogger announced that after July they would no longer support the email subscribers on Feedburner. I don’t even know what all that means, but I knew I needed tech help. That led to deciding to have my own website and some other changes, all of which will be happening in the next month or two. (I will give everyone plenty of notice and we will figure out how to ease the transition for all you beloved email subscribers.)

Meanwhile, I have been preparing to publish a new book (more on that later as well), which involves various tasks to appeal (hopefully) to a publisher. 

All of this has taken me way out of my comfort zone, and while I’m excited about these new developments, I have also been resistant and grumpy about having to, no, choosing to, change the way I’ve been doing things, including taking some steps to promote myself and my writing. This definitely does not feel like “the way of no way.” On the contrary, it feels like an unwelcome distraction from my “practice.” Which is what, exactly? Yes, I meditate, and practice martial arts, and write, and facilitate a contemplation group, but what is the point of any of that? (Yes, I know some folks will say there is no point to any of that, and that that is the point.) 

We spent a lot of time in recent months talking in the contemplation group about expanding our “sphere” to include everything that arises within our experience and awareness. Everything. Exclude nothing. And to recognize that when we are struggling, we are out of alignment, we are fighting against reality, we are in conflict with ourselves. We talk about softening the struggle by touching everything with compassion, and releasing our attachment and rejection so that we can live in harmony with the universe. That includes the universe of our choices. 

Busted, right? What is the point of any practice that I engage in or write about if not to integrate body, mind, and soul into the rhythm of creation, to open the heart of compassion to embrace everything, to notice and ease any struggle with reality, to lean into fear rather than try to escape it, to awaken to our true nature and live fully in each precious moment? And if a few of those precious moments involve a little discomfort over learning some new technology and changing the way I do some things, then my practice is to expand my sphere to include this too. This too. 

So I’m having a pretty good laugh at myself. Again. Here I am with my knickers in a knot, struggling over the very things I’ve chosen to do in order to share with others the practice that has so enriched my life by teaching me how not to struggle. Yeah, people are complicated. And funny. 

You are welcome to share a laugh with me. And I hope you will be patient as I wade through these coming transitions. 

It takes more than just awareness for us to change. It takes courage and humility and the willingness to occasionally feel like fools and laugh at ourselves. ~Bud Harris

Emotional Hoarding

The price of staying awake is giving up every reason you have to stop loving. ~Adyashanti

Do you know anyone who is a hoarder? I do. When I walk into her apartment, there are piles of newspapers and magazines everywhere. Boxes of unknown contents are stacked along the walls. Every surface is crowded with deals too good to pass up. There is little room to move, no space to cook or eat, and only one little corner of the couch available where she can sit and watch TV. Visitors are not allowed beyond the front room, so I don’t know where she sleeps. The apartment is impossible to clean. She acknowledges the negative impact on her life and even worries that there is so much weight in the apartment that the floor might collapse. She is miserable.

And yet she cannot let any of it go, even though she knows that her life would be so much better if she could. What is the nature of such an attachment that is so strong that the price of giving it up in order to have a healthier, more balanced, happier life is just too high?* 

Some of us might think that such an attachment is beyond our understanding. But what if we are told, as Adyashanti said, that the price of living an awakened life is giving up every reason we have to stop loving? Every judgment, every resentment, every hurt feeling, every unforgiving thought, every irritation, every criticism, every “othering”? What if we are told that all of these reasons, no matter how justified, keep us locked in an emotional state of suffering? And that giving them up, all of them, without exception, will free us to live a more integrated, harmonious, healthier, happier, awakened life?

Can we understand attachment a little better now? I know I can. 

Most of us, if we’re honest, can discover, if not an emotional apartment full of clutter, at least an emotional junk drawer we haven’t cleaned out in time beyond memory. We might not even know what is in it anymore. When we look, we might be able to toss some things, but there will be that one little thing that we hold in our hand with hesitation. “You never know when I might need that,” we think. 

Or there might be the emotional treasure that is displayed a place of honor on the mantel. Such a spot is often reserved for the big unforgiveness attachments we never forget – parents who let us down, lovers who left us, friends who betrayed us. Who can argue with those reasons to stop loving? No one. 

That’s the point, isn’t it? I can justify every reason I have to stop loving. I can hold onto it in perfect righteousness. And I can wear my resultant suffering like a cloak of justice. A heavy cloak that drags with the weight of accumulated wrongs I can’t let go of. 

So why can’t we just unfasten that cloak and leave it in the dirt? Do we hold on because of some fear of what will happen if we let it go? Would we feel grief or vulnerability? Or perhaps, if we look closely, we might admit there is some pleasure in sitting in judgment, in fantasizing revenge, in attracting sympathy for our injury.  

Whatever our reason, we will hold onto it until we want freedom more than we want to suffer. Because until we are willing to forego the secret delight of withholding love, we will be as trapped by our emotional hoarding as my friend is in her apartment. 

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. ~Matthew 6:21

*I understand that hoarding can be a mental health issue that isn’t as simple as just making a choice. I use the example of hoarding here only as a metaphor for holding onto emotional attachments that do not serve our well being. 

Living in a Goal Free Zone

Western culture, at least in the United States, is very goal oriented. We make new year resolutions. We have five year business and personal plans. My sons, who both have autism, have a meeting every year to set goals for the year with measurable checkpoints during the year. In fact, for many of us, our lives are structured that way, with large and small identified goals and measurable steps. We set goals, work towards our goals, achieve our goals, and bask in the success of having met our goals. At least for a moment until we set new goals and start the process again. 

Goals are associated with progress, accomplishment, hard work, even good character. They are encouraged, and those who set them and achieve them are admired. I doubt that Olympic athletes, for example, would ever get a medal without some single minded focus and dedication. 

There is nothing wrong with that. Goals serve a purpose. But when we have blinders on that allow us to see only the goal oriented path ahead, I wonder what opportunities we miss. Some of the best things that have happened in my life were not on my goal trajectory. In fact, more often than not, they completely derailed my goal progress. 

For example, when I moved to Portland, I had a very specific job goal in mind. I began to search out the leads that would take me in that direction. When someone mentioned a temporary job opportunity that was not goal related, I almost dismissed it. Then I decided I would take that job to provide some income while I looked for the job I really wanted. The first day of the temporary job, I went home amazed that someone was paying me to have so much fun. When the time was up, I figuratively chained myself to the gate until they decided to keep me. Twenty years later, I retired from a job that continued to be fun and deeply rewarding. 

On the personal front, I was living a full and busy life as a single parent with two kids. I had all I could handle, or so I thought. My goals targeted balancing home and work while meeting the needs of my autistic son and making sure that my daughter had her needs met as well. My goals definitely did not include more kids. And yet, suddenly there was my son’s classmate, also autistic, who, for reasons beyond the scope of this post, was in crisis and needed a family to care for him. So, for reasons beyond the scope of any rational explanation, I took him. And his presence has now blessed our family for more than twenty years in ways I never could have planned or anticipated. 

Those are “big” life examples, but similar things happen to us all the time in big and small ways. At some point I realized that when I was not focused on goals, things that needed to get done still did, in a more natural, organic way rather than forced. I began to trust that life would lead me, and that when I was aligned in harmony with an open, receptive attitude, my path forward would become clear. And if it didn’t, then I knew to wait until it did. 

When people ask me these days what my goals are, I have a hard time coming up with any. It seems to me that they get in the way more than provide helpful direction. Sure, I make plans. I go to the store with a list in hand, and my calendar has appointments to attend. I am respectful of people’s time and do my best to honor the promises I make. The difference, perhaps, is that my life is not driven by personally selected goals as much as carried by the current of divine energy that flows through all creation. (That actually is a lot more practical than it sounds!) The first sometimes has a quality of anxiety on some level that seeks to control. The second often has a quality of trust that rests in faith. Life is more enjoyable, relaxed, responsive. And when challenges come, as they surely will, they can be met with resilience rather than struggle. 

It’s a relief to know that I don’t have to plan and control every step forward in my life. That was exhausting!

Perhaps you might examine the role that goals play in your life. What is the nature of your goals? What is your emotional relationship to them? You might not abandon all your goals, but maybe you might discover one or two that you could hold more flexibly. What would that be like? Maybe try it and see what happens. 

Acquiring wisdom is great but it is not the goal, applying it is. ~Idowu Koyenikan

Let Love Carry You

 

Let love carry you where it will

Along the currents of the vast universe

Countless marvels to behold

Do not struggle

Fear will not keep you from your destiny

But you will miss the splendor 

Of this precious life

The Trap of Being “Good”

 

Wanting to be good is a good thing. Right? I want to be a good person, a good mother, a good friend, and so on. And I want others to see me as good. I want my goodness reflected back to me in how others think of me, talk about me, and act towards me. 

Wanting to be good and to be seen as good can motivate us to conform our behavior to this ideal. And that seems like a desirable aspiration. 

It can, however, also result in avoidance of noticing thoughts or behaviors that do not meet this ideal of goodness. We can become defensive instead of receptive when someone reflects back to us something we’ve done or said that falls short. We rationalize, justify, explain – whatever it takes to deflect an honest assessment or genuine listening.

Or perhaps we go to the opposite extreme. If we acknowledge our imperfections, our identity as a good person is crushed, and we are lost in self judgment and condemnation. If I do something bad, then I must not be good. I am one or the other.

We are so invested in our identity of goodness, and fearful of not measuring up in our own eyes or the eyes of others, that we cannot accept ourselves as complex human beings with a full range of thoughts and behaviors. We lose any chance of being or knowing who we are, and with that loss, any chance of true connection with others. It’s like “my people will talk to your people,” but it’s really “my facade of goodness will interface with your facade of goodness.” 

This issue of being a good person comes up a lot in conversations about bias, especially about unconscious or implicit bias. Bias is often denied because someone is a “good person” and therefore cannot be biased, because any bias would make the person “bad.” That denial then effectively closes off any open dialogue or genuine self reflection about the inevitable existence of biases woven into our conscious and unconscious thoughts and behaviors.

Such denial also takes a lot of effort to maintain. It is exhausting to fragment ourselves, defending the parts that reinforce our goodness, and rejecting and hiding the parts that don’t. It tires me just thinking about it! 

As the saying goes, what we resist, persists. Our resistance to open and honest self inquiry doesn’t make us better people. It strengthens those aspects of ourselves we try to keep hidden. What if we could set aside our need to be good and our fear of being bad? What if we could allow ourselves to see the fullness and richness of who we are? Those parts locked up in the darkness, when brought to the light of acknowledgment with honesty and compassion, can be transformed with the love of understanding and forgiveness. 

It’s not as scary as it sounds. On the contrary, it is a relief. Not long ago, someone reflected back to me something I had done that was hurtful. Before, I would have gotten defensive and explained how the person had misinterpreted what had happened. I would have told my side of things, in such a way to show how my intentions had been good. In short, I would have tried to convince the other person that they were wrong to feel the way they did, and if they would just see things the way I did, all would be well. My “goodness” would be reaffirmed. 

I admit, that impulse was still there ... for a moment. But I was able to take a deep breath and listen. That listening helped me see the situation from the other person’s perspective, to acknowledge the pain they had experienced. While I couldn’t go back and change what I had done, I could accept responsibility for my own words and actions. I could accept this person’s experience without trying to invalidate it or fix it. Instead, I could learn from it. I could consider how I might have handled things better, how I might be able to take that awareness with me into future interactions. 

Goodness is not the issue. I was not a bad person because I had done something hurtful. I was not a good person because I listened. Honesty is the issue. Compassion is the issue. Compassion for the other person’s pain. Compassion for myself as a person who makes mistakes. And in that compassion is relief. 

When we release ourselves from the trap of goodness, we are free. And in that freedom, genuine relationship is possible. And that is good. 

Writing this post reminds me of one of my favorite children’s books – The Fire Cat, by Esther Averill. 

"Pickles, you are not a bad cat. You are not a good cat. You are good and bad. And bad and good. You are a mixed-up cat."

Aren’t we all?

Who Asks

 

Who speaks to me

In quiet words

Whispered in my soul

Who guides me sure 

Across my days 

With wisdom kind and pure

Who comforts me

And lets me see

The wonders beyond fear

Who finds me

No matter where I go

And stays beside me near

I know not

And yet I do

So why need I to wonder

The answer given

Is the same each time

Who asks, my heart,

Who asks

Expanding Our Sphere

A minister was giving what I call an “audition sermon” at a church, in hopes of being called as their pastor. After the sermon, members of the congregation were invited to ask questions. Like many churches, this one was becoming smaller and grayer as the members aged. One person asked the minister what he would do to “grow” the church. He responded, “That depends on what you are willing to risk. Everyone like you is already here.” 

This is true for many of us in our individual lives as well. We seek the comfort of familiarity – with people, events, ideas, beliefs. We shun whatever causes us discomfort. Pause for a moment and consider what might fall in that category. Take an honest inventory. Something might surprise you. 

For example, I found that in certain circumstances, I was more concerned by what other people think than I realized. Even more, I was concerned by what I thought they might think. Since I generally see myself as someone who boldly marches to the beat of my own drum, I felt a little disappointed. That disappointment also caused some discomfort. I can also get impatient with people who do not behave the way I think they should. And I can feel awkward, and sometimes envious, around people who have what I describe as an “artist’s eye” on the world, a perspective that often seems mysterious and incomprehensible to me. 

My list can go on indefinitely, but what all these things have in common is that they create in me a sense of unease, dissonance, misalignment, distress – sometimes insignificant and hardly noticed, sometimes overwhelming and threatening. 

They are all on the edge, or beyond the edge, of my sphere of acceptance. We mistakenly believe that if we can exclude those things from our sphere that cause us discomfort, we can rest in peace within our safe boundaries. But this is what I’ve found. None of those rejected things actually cause my distress. It is the rejection itself that is the problem. It is my struggle with reality, trying to make reality conform to my desire, that creates the conflict that disturbs me. And a struggle with reality is always doomed to failure. Every time.

So what happens if I stop defending the borders of my sphere and instead allow my sphere to expand to include whatever arises in my awareness? Nothing is denied. Go back to my list. Can I allow within my sphere my occasional concern with what other people think? And my related self judgment? Can I accept that I am sometimes impatient or awkward? Can I recognize my absence of control over what other people think or say or do? And my attendant frustration? If I’m unable to embrace what I reject, can I embrace my rejection? 

Expanding our sphere of acceptance to include what is, as it is, doesn’t mean we like everything. In fact, our dislike and can be within our sphere too. It just means that we are not denying reality. And that is when true peace is possible. 

A moment of radical acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom. ~Tara Brach

Who’s That Old Lady?

This is a “joke’s on me” story. I love martial arts. I have practiced various martial arts over the years. These days, it’s taiji, sword, and staff. I recently took a video of myself practicing a sword form. In my head I looked like this:

When I watched the video, my first thought was “Who’s that old lady with the big butt flapping that sword around?” 

Ah, reality. I had a good laugh at myself. What a great opportunity to truly see and embrace things as they really are. And still love life. 

On the other hand, there is no harm in enjoying our fantasies. When my daughter was young, she liked to wear a pink T shirt on her head and pretend she had long hair. She wanted to wear it to go shopping one day, and asked me if people would think she had long hair. No, I said with a smile. They will think you have a pink T shirt on your head. 

She paused for a moment, then flipped her pink “hair” around her shoulders and said confidently, No they won’t. And off she skipped. 

Note to self – no more videos! 

New Growth

 

Like a child holding its mother's hand

New growth confidently emerges at branch's end

Dancing with joyful abandon

Safely held

Tao Te Ching – Chapter 81

This is it, the last chapter of the Tao Te Ching. I began this series on the 81 chapters of this ancient text almost five years ago. Wow, that is hard for me to believe. The intention for the series was to share some reflections on each chapter based on my decades long love of this wisdom teaching, which led me to spend several years delving into the mystery and beauty of the original Chinese characters. What I’ve tried to offer is not another translation of each chapter – there are already so many of those – but rather some insight or application that has arisen in my own life through my engagement with the text. 

So here we are, at the end which does not feel like the end. The motion of Tao is cyclical, manifesting and returning, rather than linear. It ends where it begins. This is the way. 

With that in mind, I’m drawn to the very end of this chapter, which, at least to me, sums up the arc of wisdom throughout the Tao Te Ching. 

Heaven’s Tao benefits yet does not interfere

Sage’s Tao acts yet does not contend

Here is our model for living in awakened moments. The energy of the universe is like the sun, providing light and warmth to all without regard to merit, without judgment, without manipulation. The ten thousand things of creation evolve and unfold according to their nature. We don’t have to look far to see how interference, no matter how well intentioned, often leads to unexpected and undesired results. This, in turn, requires more and more manipulation, layers upon layers of course correction to restore balance, which is never truly achieved and must be artificially maintained. 

We can think of examples in our communities and in our own lives where we sought to make some improvement or to bestow some benefit that did not turn out the way we imagined. Think kudzu. For more entertaining examples, think of all the science fiction tales based on time travel that wreaks havoc with history’s trajectory, or medical breakthroughs that unleash unanticipated devastation. It’s no accident that Star Trek’s “prime directive” prohibited interference with the natural development of alien civilizations. (And yes, some of the best storylines in Star Trek involved the violation of the prime directive!)

Yet non-interference does not mean non-engagement. The sage acts. The key is in the absence of striving or contending. Appropriate actions arise naturally and effortlessly when they are in harmony with the movement of Tao’s intrinsic energy. Ordinary people sometimes act in extraordinary ways, and we call them heroes. When asked about their actions, they often say that they didn’t think. They just instinctively responded to a perceived need. I’m thinking of a man I read about recently who, in the moments after his outside wedding, saw a boy drowning in a canal. Leaving his bride and the photographer wondering what was going on, he raced to the water’s edge and without hesitation jumped in the water and pulled the boy out. 

Not all examples are so dramatic. I’m thinking of a friend who baked cookies for me when I was having a really bad day. When presented with the cookies, I burst into tears of gratitude. Her gesture was perfect and exactly what I needed. She thought nothing of it, but to me it changed everything.

When we self reflect, we can often see that most of our effort and striving happens in our thinking minds, when we are struggling with what is, wanting it to be something different, wanting someone else to be different, wanting ourselves to be different. When we contend with reality, we will always lose. But when we loosen our rigid grip, when we release our insistence, when we allow awareness to open unimpeded, our way becomes clear in its own time, and we follow its path with effortless energy. 

Thus we come full circle in this ancient wisdom teaching. The first chapter of the Tao Te Ching ends with the character for doorway or gate, inviting us into the mystery of an awakened life, lived fully in harmony with the natural expression of creation. This last chapter reveals how life unfolds when we walk through the door.

The end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. ~T. S. Eliot

I hope you have enjoyed this series. You can access the entire series by clicking on the label Tao Te Ching chapter series below, or over in the right column under the list of labels.

Tao Te Ching – Chapter 80

This chapter starts with a description of a small country with few people. They live simply and in harmony with nature. (This chapter could have been the model for the back to the land movement of my younger years. Reading it brought back wonderful memories of living in a shack in the mountains of Montana!)

The people in this chapter enjoy their tasty food, appreciate their beautiful clothes, live contentedly in their peaceful homes, and are happy in their everyday life. The Chinese characters in these lines raise the question of what comes first. For example, do they enjoy their food because it’s tasty, or is their food tasty because they enjoy it? Are they content because their homes are peaceful, or are their home peaceful because they are content? 

In other words, are these positive qualities inherent in the objects, or are the qualities a result of the relationship the people have with these objects? If I have an attitude of appreciation and contentment toward my surroundings, I am more likely to enjoy them and be at peace. But if I am generally dissatisfied and always wanting something different, I am going to see my life as lacking and never good enough.

Studies have shown that only 10% of our happiness in life is related to our circumstances. That’s not very much, especially when you think how typical it is for people to hold their happiness hostage to something outside themselves. I’ll be happy when I get a job, when I retire, when I have kids, when my kids grow up, when I find a partner, when I finally get that partner out of my life, and so on. 

If only 10% of our happiness is dependent on all those things, then what is the true basis of our contentedness in life? Yes, our attitudes, our habitual thinking patterns, our choices in outlook – this is what really dictates the quality of our life experience.

So what can we learn from the people in this chapter? It seems that they are content with living simply and in harmonious relationship with each other and with their environment. Does living close to nature enhance this sense of well being? Some of us might be familiar with the Japanese custom of forest bathing. I can attest to my own experience of spending time at my cabin. My kids will tell you I am a much nicer person (!) when I spend a weekend sitting by the creek in the woods. 

But whether you spend time close to the earth or not, we all have the power to choose our outlook on life, to be grateful, to care, to be content.

He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have. ~Socrates

Touch

 

Touch

Touch this

This too

Touch everything that comes within your reach

Touch it with compassion

Touch it gently

With the vastness of your being

Touch it sweetly

With the love that sings your soul

Speaking the Blessing of Gifts

 

I’ve had two conversations with people recently who both, for different reasons, could not see or appreciate the gifts they were blessed with. They saw themselves as lacking in some way, lacking achievement, lacking purpose, lacking direction, lacking skill or talent. 

This was remarkable because they are blessed with beautiful gifts that are so apparent to me, gifts that have so deeply enriched my life and I know the lives of others. One, for example, manifests the gift of compassion, with a heart that is big enough to care deeply, and a willingness to attend lovingly and without hesitation to the needs of those around her. 

The other manifests the gift of connection and welcome, hospitality. She connects people not only to herself, but to others. She welcomes diversity to her table and makes all feel at home. She is a gardener of friendship and tends her garden with creativity and care. 

I was surprised that they could not see themselves as so richly valued and valuable when that is how I see them. It occurred to me that that might be true for so many of us. We measure ourselves against very narrow rubrics of success and often overlook the gifts that bring the most benefit. We do not automatically see the impact we have on others unless someone points it out to us. We don’t know what we bring to the table unless someone tells us. 

We often hear people at memorial services speak openly and gratefully about the person who is no longer there to hear, who perhaps died not knowing what they meant to someone, or how they helped or made someone’s life a little better. Why do we feel so compelled to speak of someone’s gifts after they are gone, and so hesitant to speak of them to the person while we have the chance? 

We are all blessed with gifts, as varied as we are, but all are precious. We share these treasures, knowingly or unknowingly, by our very being. What a gift we could give to others by speaking the blessing of their gifts – naming the gifts, describing them, giving examples, expressing gratitude. 

Don’t wait. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could help each other recognize:

I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness. ~Walt Whitman

Have a Yes Day with Life

My grandson and I watched the movie Yes Day recently. In the movie, a couple decides to reconnect with their kids by having a day of saying yes to whatever the kids want. Comedy ensues.

The movie made me more aware of how often I say no. Maybe I forego a chance to be kind to someone, or an invitation to do something fun. Perhaps I resist a nudge to write about something uncomfortable, or reject an opportunity to have a candid discussion about a sensitive topic. There are times I avoid examining my own conduct or thoughts or assumptions. And how many times have I said no to forgiveness even when I know that my own happiness would be enhanced? 

We say no to life when we want things to be different, or people to be different. When we deny or repress feelings that are distressing or painful. When we struggle to control things beyond our reach, or try to force people or circumstances to conform to our desires. When we want ourselves to be better, smarter, enlightened, and condemn ourselves when we fail in our attempt. 

How would my experience of life be different if I woke up tomorrow and said yes to whatever the day presents? If I remained open and curious instead of judgmental or anxious? If I allowed the day to unfold naturally instead of trying to plan or control every minute? If I watched for miracles instead of problems? If I was grateful instead of complaining? If I accepted myself just as I am? If I embraced each breath and touched every moment with compassion? 

A yes day with life. Let’s see what happens.

For all that has been, thanks. For all that will be, yes. ~Dag Hammarskjold

Every Breath

 

Every breath

is Life's tender caress

of Love

Tao Te Ching – Chapter 79

 

A sweet little chapter with a turn the other cheek message. It begins by observing that even after a conflict is settled, some resentment often remains. So how can we bring true peace to a situation? 

Using contracts as an example, the chapter says that the sage holds up her end of the bargain, but does not try to force the other party to perform. When I taught contract law, my students would express their highest aspiration to draft a contract that would hold up in court. How surprised they were when I would reply that if they were in litigation over a contract, they had already lost no matter what the court decided. 

What I meant was that once a conflict arose and an adversarial process was initiated, both parties had lost the benefit of the relationship they had entered into. The cost and delays of litigation would never replace the benefits they had initially bargained for. 

So, I told my students, their highest aspiration should be to negotiate and draft an agreement that the parties will honor, one that will provide a basis for good faith efforts to resolve any disagreements that might arise without resort to lawsuits.

Of course, we can’t control other people’s behavior, in contracts or in the rest of life, but we can focus on our own behavior, on honoring our commitments, on doing the right thing, on being honest and having integrity, without regard to a quid pro quo. 

My favorite line in this chapter says that “heaven’s Dao is without preference.” Like the sun that graces all with its light and warmth, like the rain that graces all with its nourishment, Dao plays no favorites of worthiness or punishes those without. It offers its life giving energy to all without discrimination. Likewise, we can offer our compassion to all who cross our path, regardless of what they have done or not done for us. 

Having no preference is a great description of wu wei, a thematic principle in the Tao Te Ching. Sometimes mistakenly interpreted as passive non-action, it is better understood as a ready responsiveness to whatever life brings us. If I have a preference, then I might try to force people or circumstances to bend to my will. Instead, if I greet whatever arises without judgment or reactivity, I am free to respond appropriately and in harmony, rather than in conflict and struggle. 

This concept is impressively demonstrated by taiji master Adam Mizner, who responds to any attack with great effectiveness by using whatever energy is directed against him to defeat his attacker. He describes his approach as having no preference. (If you are interested, take a look at this short video.)

In the same way, we can maintain our own inner balance and peace, no matter what we are faced with in life, not by trying to force our will on what is beyond our control, but rather by honoring our own integrity and responding to what is, instead of what we want it to be.

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. ~Rumi

Truth Is Ever True

 

Your belief does not make Truth true

Truth is ever true and can be nothing else

All else is false and cannot be made true by thought

So believe or do not believe

It does not matter

Truth shines ever radiant

Seen clearly by the soul

Unencumbered by mind's need to know

Eyes on Me

If you have ever trained a dog, one of the commands you might have taught is “watch.” The idea is for the dog to lock eyes on you, without being distracted by anything else, and wait for your next instruction. 

Over and over again, the universe teaches me this lesson. Something will happen and I will get distracted, maybe disturbed, turning my attention to the situation in order to change something, or more likely to “fix” something. Basically, wanting to control something outside of myself. Or perhaps just wandering off in my mind along paths of various narratives, rehashing the past, rehearsing the future. 

I am no longer attending to the present moment, open, listening, receptive to inner guidance, ready to respond. My eyes are elsewhere. I am restless, perhaps in distress. My soul asks for help. Again. And the universe answers. Again. 

Watch. Eyes on me. Only me. Wait for your way to be made clear. Be at peace. 

The way is not in your thoughts. It is in your heart. It sings in your soul and resonates throughout your entire being. You will know it. 

But only if you watch. 

Your spirit knows who you are and what you're here to do. The heart is your inner knowing, the part of you that transcends mere emotions or intellect and sees and knows the path you need to follow. ~Marnie Pehrson Kuhns

Tao Te Ching – Chapter 78

Under heaven nothing is more soft and yielding than water

Yet nothing is better for overcoming what is hard and stiff

As we approach the end of the Tao Te Ching’s 81 chapters, the text returns to the theme of water. Water is the most common metaphor for the energy of Tao. It flows naturally, humbly seeking the lowest level of the vast sea of unity. You cannot push it or grasp it. It yields to force, yet its power cannot be denied. It follows its own nature, moving effortlessly through its cycles of manifesting and returning, unconcerned with obstacles, sustaining and nurturing all life. 

Everyone knows this

But few can practice it

So if we all know this, that our best model for living is the nature of water, then why is it so hard to practice? In martial arts, one of the hardest things for me to learn has been to yield, to allow my partner to defeat himself with his own use of force. As the chapter says, I understand the principle of yielding to overcome, and yet in the moment, my instinct is to attack, to try to overpower. How well do you think that works for an old ninja granny? Even if I were a buff young martial arts master, there would always be someone stronger, more skilled in using force than I am.  

We can see how this instinct arises in all kinds of situations, not just martial arts. Think of all the times during the day when we experience the urge to control, to manipulate, to react, to coerce. As I sit here writing, I don’t have to look back very far to remember a moment of judgment, irritation, frustration, disappointment. And within all these moments is the desire for things to be different, the desire to make them different. 

What is it, then, driving that urge to use force, even when we know that it is not advantageous? Fear. Fear is what takes hold of us and leads us to abandon our greatest strength. Fear might be disguised as anger, righteous indignation, anxiety, duty, allegiance to a cause. Whatever its appearance, fear tells us to fix something outside of ourselves to feel better inside ourselves. 

Practicing the wisdom of this chapter asks us to breathe into the discomfort, to tolerate the distress, to be still when fear is telling us to react. To soften our hearts and yield in patience until our way is made clear to respond with integrity and compassion. To ask ourselves, “What would water do?” 

Be water, my friend. ~Bruce Lee

Bless and Release

Sometimes we have a challenging encounter with someone. Sometimes we have an ongoing challenging relationship with someone. It’s hard to be at peace or to keep an open heart when someone hurts us, irritates us, enrages us, or frightens us. It’s easy to justify our judgment, our feelings, our reactions. After all, this other person said or did (fill in the blank).

We want the other person to see things our way, to admit that they are wrong, and thus of course, to acknowledge that we are right. We want them to behave differently, to be different, to be better, to be the way we want them to be – and thus to alleviate our own discomfort and distress. 

We want them to see us the way we want to be seen, and to love us the way we want to be loved. And we blame them when they don’t. 

Sound familiar? It does to me. I don’t have to look very far to find someone who occupies my thoughts as I try to go to sleep, thoughts that spin off stories of past wrongs and rehearsals of future engagement. It’s exhausting. And distracting. It clouds my view, and pulls me out of balanced alignment. It disturbs my peace.

I just read something that helps me break through my own stuckness. The Way of Mastery reminds us that we cannot control what someone else thinks or says or does. We know that and yet....

Instead, we are encouraged to bless the other person and “release them to have the perceptions that they would choose.” It’s like the catch and release method of fishing. We “catch” the person on the hook of our judgment, and then “release” them with a blessing. Or we could flip that around because we are really catching ourselves on the hook of our judgment and releasing ourselves through offering a blessing!

And if we need some guidance about how to offer that blessing, The Way of Mastery suggests, “I love you always, in the ways that you will allow, and to the depth that you will accept.” 

This blessing has given me some relief in a relationship that I have found difficult over many years. It breaks the mental thought cycle of frustration and hurt feelings, and creates space to breathe. I feel liberated from my own habitual discontent and futile efforts to make things different, which of course means making the other person different. Instead it makes me different. It restores peace, if not between us, at least within my own spirit.

Until I’m caught again. Bless and release. As many times as it takes.

Love on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day. Flowers and candy. Balloons. Romantic gestures. Declarations of love. And then there was my day.

I woke up this morning to my nine year old grandson wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day. He got snowed in with me on Friday. We have watched movies, played in the snow, baked cookies, read books, and played way too many games of Jumping Monkeys. 

Then I got a call telling me that the group home where my two autistic sons live has been without power for over 24 hours. My sons hadn’t been able to call me because their cordless phone wouldn’t work. The regular staff had not been able to get to work, and I could not get the relief staff on the phone. 

I checked the utility’s website – no power expected for two more days. Two more days in the dark with no heat. 

So love kicked in. I called my daughter who was just sitting down to breakfast. She dropped everything, dug her car out of the snow, and drove to my house to pick us up. We dropped her son off at a friend’s who was happy to help out, and headed to the group home. When we got there, we found the guys agitated but overall in good shape. 

I decided to bring them home with me. My daughter helped the relief staff find necessary items We packed them up and headed back. We had to stop at the store to get enough food for several days. One son was scared to walk on the ice in the parking lot. I watched as my daughter took her 35 year old brother’s hand in hers and guided him safely inside. She maneuvered everyone through the shopping and back out to the car. 

Returning to my house, she helped unload the car and get everything put away before going to get her son and driving home, now on roads icy with freezing rain. 

From the time she left her breakfast on the table until she was back home was over six hours. Not the way she planned to spend her day. But I heard not one word of complaint. Nothing except a willingness to help, with patience and grace and kindness.

Wow. That is love. Forget the flowers and candy. This is the love that counts, that makes my eyes tear up with relief, my heart break open in gratitude, and my knees weak with humble blessedness. 

May all of us give and receive love today and all days. Real love. Offering kindness to loved ones and strangers, receiving help when needed, remembering what is important, and appreciating all the ways that love shows up in our lives.

A Touch of Compassion

Touch. Many people are expressing a need for touch in this time of pandemic social distancing. We miss being touched. We miss touching others. 

We think of touch as an external, physical connection. But touch can also be internal, emotional, energetic. We can touch with the heart of compassion. Absolutely anything that arises in our field of awareness can be touched with compassion. 

This is easy when we are naturally drawn to an experience that “touches” our heart – a child in distress, a friend in need, an animal suffering. We instinctively reach out to comfort, to soothe, to support. But what happens when something does not attract our sympathy, when something arises that we draw away from or judge or fear? 

Can I touch with compassion someone who cuts me off in traffic, for example? Perhaps. How about someone who is mean to me or to someone I love? Harder. What if I am watching something on the news that leaves me in despair or sparks outrage? Sometimes impossible. What do I do when compassion is not forthcoming? 

Easy. I touch my resistance with compassion. I touch my judgment of others with compassion. 

Maybe I judge myself for my compassion fail. No problem. Touch that judgment with compassion. Our own hurt places, our shame, our insecurities, our painful memories, our regrets, our embarrassment, our self criticism, our anxieties and fears – yes, all these can be touched with compassion. Whatever arises is what is calling to us for acknowledgment, acceptance, compassion. 

And if I am unable to feel any compassion for these dark places? If I am unable to even look at them, much less touch them? Yes, you are catching on. Touch that inability with compassion. 

Touch. Touch connects, softens, comforts, heals. And it opens. It opens us to the next layer that asks for compassion. And the next. Until compassion pours forth from us like the gentle rain that falls on everything without regard to merit. Nourishing, cleansing, spurring growth and beauty. 

So give it a try. For five minutes watch comes into your awareness. Whatever it is, touch it with compassion. See what happens.

Compassion is revolution. ~bumper sticker

Shadow Crows

 

Shadow crows

Darting through the fog

A raucous symphony

In the mist

There Is No How

[Note: I started to write a new blog post titled "There Is No How." After typing the title, I tried to save it, but my computer told me I already had a file by that name. Turns out I wrote a blog post by this title three years ago. I went back to read it and there was the post I was planning to write. Apparently I don't have any new ideas! So here it is again.]

Quit trying. Quit trying not to try. Quit quitting. ~zen saying

I want to be awakened. I want enlightenment. How do I get it? Where are the instructions? If I read this book, practice these techniques, listen to this podcast, attend this workshop, devote myself to this teacher, read another book, breathe a certain way, think a certain way, meditate a certain way, chant a mantra, go to a retreat, read another book – will I achieve my goal? Will I pass the test and get my certificate? Will I be enlightened then? 

How do I do this? Just tell me how. Please.

You want the secret? Okay, here it is. There is no how. Take it from one who has tried everything listed above. And more. 

But then how... 

There is no how. There is no way to get from here to there, because there is no there. There is no journey because there is nowhere to go. There is no technique, because there is nothing to do. There is no way of teaching because there is nothing to learn. 

Umm....

I know. Right? The brain can’t grasp this. Truly, the brain can’t understand this, because our brains think. That’s what they do. Sometimes they do it really well. But you cannot think your way to enlightenment. Because enlightenment transcends thought. Oh, and also because enlightenment doesn’t exist. 

What??

Well, it doesn’t exist in the sense of a static state. It is dynamic, offering an opportunity in every moment to enter, as A Course in Miracles calls it, the holy instant. The holy instant reveals all eternity to us in the perfect bliss of oneness. 

Missed it? That’s okay. Here is another moment. And another. 

I’m trying, but...

Don’t try. 

Then how...

Just allow. Take a deep breath and surrender. Let go of everything. It only takes a moment. Because a moment is all there is. 

Do or do not. There is no try. ~Yoda

Do or do not. There is no how.  ~Universe