Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls. ~Psalm 42:7
For the last six weeks, my usually busy schedule has been emptied. I suspended my martial arts classes, my piano lessons, my Chinese tutor. I made a choice to devote my mornings to a writing project. (Mornings, I’ve discovered, are really the only time I have even the slightest bit of self-discipline and productive energy.)
So I cleared my calendar and set to it. Coincidentally, I also found myself temporarily without a TV, and then decided to not replace it for the time being.
That’s a lot of alone time with less distraction than usual. After a couple of weeks, I began to experience an inner discomfort, a restlessness, a vague dissatisfaction. I wanted something. But what was it?
My typical approach to such a question is to think about it. So I thought ... and thought. But got no answer, proving once again that thinking is highly overrated. Nothing seemed quite right, like when you’re starving and standing in front of the open refrigerator but nothing looks good.
Meanwhile, this undefined feeling was expanding, like a spring welling up and spreading over the ground, like a wave swelling as it rolls toward the shore. It was painful, and a little scary. But there was no escape. It was inside me, calling me, touching my heart, drawing me deep.
Longing. My soul was longing. As all souls do. We long for home, for awakening, for remembering who we are, for union. Like salmon returning from the sea, this is the longing of creation, to manifest into form and then return to the formlessness from which it is birthed. We miss its quiet beckoning in the roar of our lives.
But now I heard it, unmistakable and compelling. I was distressed because I was resisting, wanting the familiarity of my distractions, the comfort of certainty, the safety of understanding.
This longing of the soul brings none of those. It is a call back into the mystery, unknown and unknowable. It is terrifying, and ultimately irresistible. We all hear it. We hear it in the beat of our hearts, in the rhythm of our breath, in the silence of our souls. Deep calls to us, and what is deep within us answers.
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. ~Psalm 42:1
I have been likening this urge to a set of balloons that want to rise- and Satan uses my fears to tie them back down...
ReplyDeleteCW, we can use a variety of vocabulary and metaphors to describe the same experience, as you illustrate here. Thanks for commenting.
Delete"Longing. My soul was longing" for the God shaped hole in our hearts that only He can fill. Galen, there were several times this past week when Danny and I were at the mountain cabin, and venturing beyond into the Smoky Mountains, that I caught an indescribable fragrance. When I asked him if he smelled it too, he said he didn't. I promise you, I think this was, for me, a tender, individual gift from God, assuring me of His presence. At one point, I exclaimed aloud, "You are with me!" Ah! Surprises and blessings await around every bend . . .
ReplyDeleteSending you love!
I've had experiences like that, Martha. Always so special. As I said to CW, I think we all use vocabulary and imagery to describe something that we all sense but that cannot be defined. When we realize that we are all talking about the same thing, we transcend the words and join together in the experience. Sending you love right back.
DeleteProfound and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am going away to ponder, to absorb and to be...
Thanks, EC.
DeleteI look forward to what you decide to do with this longing, Galen. I am so happy to have found you, a questing soul, to help guide my own days. I always read your posts and love the way you express yourself. Sending you lots of love and appreciation for your posts. :-)
ReplyDeleteInteresting comment, DJan. I don't know that there is anything one can "do" with this longing. I think perhaps it is a resonance of life's movement, of creation's cycle of manifesting and returning. It is the song our our souls. Maybe! Thanks for leading me to contemplate this further! And thanks for the kind words.
DeleteI so hear you! The distractions want to pull us away. It can be so hard to stay in the quiet, following the call of our soul, and also to bring our soul into whatever activity we need to engage in. You are brave!
ReplyDeleteBrave? Hmm, not sure about that--ha! But I have learned to be curious, and I try to stay open and welcoming. Thanks for commenting, Sandra.
DeleteThis beautifully poetic intrapersonal post would take me six weeks to write. Thank you! As I read your writing the first time, I thought about meditation practice and how your post both explains and fulfills meditation, for me. "...this undefined feeling was expanding, like a spring welling up and spreading over the ground, like a wave swelling as it rolls toward the shore..." so illustrative, beautiful and Haiku-like. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteNice to hear from you, CD. If this post would have taken you six weeks, you must be writing something that is beyond amazing because your blog has been quiet for months. Can't wait to see what you are working on!
DeleteThanks for the kind words. This longing has definitely sent me to my meditation cushion. I have a regular practice, but I find that when I'm struggling with something that I can't sort out, plopping down on my cushion with willing patience is often the only way to respond. Thanks for the good luck wishes.
I have had moments similar to yours. I do think those early morning times are great for thinking, reflecting, meditating and perhaps prayer.
ReplyDeleteIt also reminds me of the famous poem by Wordsworth; "Ode: intimations of Immortality". This is my favorite part: "Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting;
The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star, Hath had elsewhere its setting And cometh from afar. Not in entire forgetfulness, And not in utter nakedness,But trailing clouds of glory do we come From God, who is our home:
I feel we all have a desire to return to our God and have those feelings of missing our Heavenly Parents.
Blessings and hugs for this one dear friend!
"trailing clouds of glory"...Isn't that beautiful? Thanks for sharing that, LeAnn. The idea of our birth as a forgetful sleep I have heard elsewhere--interesting concept to consider. Thanks for commenting.
DeleteI know this feeling - at first sight it looks like I'm wanting some company, so I used to go and find someone to visit, but then while I'm there visiting, I feel somewhat guilty that I'm not back at home creating, which is where my soul's longing really is located on a deeper level. When I want to access another part of this deeper level, I get that from nature, so out I go for a nice long walk in the fields. Lovely post and what a powerful last line
ReplyDelete'Deep calls to us, and what is deep within us answers.'
That's a great description, Lynne. Like you, my longing often leads me outside, especially at the cabin, where I can sit by the creek or walk in the forest.
Delete"This longing of the soul brings none of those. It is a call back into the mystery, unknown and unknowable. It is terrifying, and ultimately irresistible. We all hear it. We hear it in the beat of our hearts, in the rhythm of our breath, in the silence of our souls. Deep calls to us, and what is deep within us answers."
ReplyDeleteGalen, I have experienced this over the past few years and you are right it is irresistible. It is the return of the soul home to that which is formless. The homeward journey.
A lovely description, Brian, of our journey home. Speaking of lovely, I just visited your site and was delighted to see the new painting, and to see how it took shape. My sister is an artist, and that artistic process is such a mystery to me.
DeleteThanks Galen, this is a good opportunity to say how much I appreciate your writing style. Just like a painting, writing is also a wonderful art form. I like how you write in such a great poetic style getting so much meaning into your words. I find myself to be a natural Taoist and your writing is very inspiring.I have made your blog my home page so I can read daily what you have written. Thanks for sharing wonderful insight with the flow of Tao, but also gleaming from the other great wisdom paths.
DeleteThank you! I'm so humbly honored and pleased.
DeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate
ReplyDeleteyour efforts and I am waiting for your next post thank you once again.